As I lay in bed pondering what I had just requested in my prayer, I couldn't help and think, "is that really possible, is it really possible to be the perfect anything in this imperfect world, in our imperfect mortal bodies?" For someone like me, a perfectionist and a control freak, it is what I strive for, what I live for every day. Is it really enough, just to do your best?
From the first moment I held my son, I felt the weight of responsibility Heavenly Father had blessed me with. "How will I ever teach him everything he needs to know? How will it ever be enough?" In my perfection seeking mind, I imagined a baby that slept through the night from day one, a baby that only cried when he was hungry or pooped, a baby that was so amazingly good, it was just amazing, there were no other words to describe it. I did get something amazing, an amazingly normal child. He was just like most other babies, unpredictable. My control and perfect world had been turned upside down.
Baby number two and baby number three arrived. And yep, they were all amazingly normal as well. Perfection and control were on the endangered list, if not yet extinct. And yet, there was something sweet and soothing about letting the laundry go an extra day, just to sit and read with the sweet, strong-willed little people that I couldn't believe held part of my DNA.
As my first child grew and entered the world of education in the form of Pre-school, I became uneasy. "How will the public react to my son? Will he hit and throw fits and be just as strong-willed there as he is at home? Will all the 'be a good example,' and 'choose the right,' talks be enough to sustain him through the three hour class without he or any one else getting hurt?" He had always done well in nursery, but this was different, it was the outside world. The lack of control and possible imperfections were driving me nuts. And the ultimate, daunting, burning question of "What will people think?" was almost more than I could bare.
As my second child entered the same world and as my third entered the nursery world, the same insecurities and uneasiness were present in my soul. "Will they really do all that I have taught them to do, will they be all that the Lord has intended them to be?"
Motherhood in a way, is like uncharted territory. Sure millions of women have become mothers, but until you are one yourself, you can never know the range of emotions that are present everyday. You can never know the pain and humiliation that comes from having to march down to the school to pick up your kindergartner who has just been suspended for fighting. Or the embarrassment of trying to apologize to another mother for your child's behavior. However, you can also never know the thrill of seeing them succeed and feeling the indescribable thrill that runs through every part of your being when they say "I love you mom," or when they look up at you with the most beautiful eyes in existence and say "I did it mom, I followed all the rules."
We are all here on this earth for a purpose. To live and make mistakes, and to learn from our mistakes so that some day we may have eternal glory and live again with our Father in Heaven.
Jesus Christ came down to pave the way for us, to do for us, what we impossibly could not do for ourselves. He made us perfect. Heavenly Father does expect perfection, but He will accept our best. If we do our best, the Atonement steps in and makes up the difference. We are perfect.
As I lay in bed, I say another prayer, "Heavenly Father, help me, just me, to be enough. Help me to be the best mom I can be, the best wife, the best leader, help me to know that I am o.k. as I am." After all, the Gospel is to help "make bad men good, and good men better."1
Through the Atonement of Christ, it is enough, we are enough.
1. (President Gordon B. Hinckley on Larry King Live, Sept. 8, 1998).
